Sauron and the Grime Reapear
by Ludmilla Evilseizer
Summary: On a dark and lonely night, Sauron finds himself at a shady pub, where a mysterious figure sits in the corner, none other than the dark lord of cleaning products. There's undeniable chemistry - so what happens when Sauron takes him back to the castle?
1. Sauron Meets the Grime Reapear

Sauron and the Grime Reapear  
  
Sauron sauntered into the bar, his gray silk tunic brushing against his soft, dark skin with each step. He smiled devilishly at the sensation, and surveyed the room quietly. In the corner sat a mysterious figure clad in a black linen robe. Sauron arched his eyebrow, intrigued… the shape of the stranger looked familiar, and yet wholly new at the same time.  
  
Sauron decided the appearance of the stranger required investigation. He walked slowly over to the stranger and sat down in the chair across from him. The stranger looked up at him, "Hello," came the response in a low, deep voice.  
  
Sauron smiled, "Hey there stranger, what you got under those robes?"  
  
The stranger tilted his head and looked at Sauron curiously, "Why do you want to know?"  
  
Sauron laughed impishly, "Because either something's under there or you're very happy to see me."  
  
The Stranger blushed, "It's just a bottle of Tilex."  
  
Sauron's face lit up, and his eyes grew slightly flamier, "I know who you are, you're the Grime Reapear!"  
  
The Stranger nodded, "Yes, that's me…"  
  
"I've been looking forward to meeting you for ages," Sauron purred in a soft voice, "Why don't you come over to my place and we can have some fun."  
  
The Grime Reapear shook his head, "No, I'm supposed to be meeting someone."  
  
Sauron pouted, extending his lower lip, an effect that was barely perceptible due to the blackness of his luscious lips.  
  
The Grime Reapear sighed, and as he was about to speak a strangely clad woman walked up to the table. She was wearing a bright yellow kilt and a lime green t-shirt that said "BIG" on it. She did not seem to be an intelligent type.  
  
Sauron raised his hand to his mouth to prevent himself from laughing, but the Grime Reapear stood and bowed slightly to the woman, "Karon, I am glad that you have come."  
  
Karon smiled and gestured for the Grime Reapear to sit, "Indeet, I am lucki two have made it, my jacked got cot in a Vulcan and the near Betazoit, who was in mie tea, did not shoe!"  
  
The Grime Reapear stared at Karon blankly, "I see."  
  
Karon turned and finally noticed that Sauron was sitting in the chair across from her date, "Exkyuse me, but you are siting in mie char!" She paused and laughed at him, "You looked like death, who are you, anway?"  
  
Sauron looked at Karon with disgust, "What's wrong with you?"  
  
"What's rong with me! You looked like death!" Karon shouted and waggled her fist around in the air.  
  
Sauron laughed and looked at the Grime Reapear, "You were meeting her?"  
  
The Grime Reapear blushed sheepishly, and averted his eyes from Sauron's piercing stair, "Yes…."  
  
Sauron shook his head, "No matter, let's leave."  
  
The Grime Reapear sighed and stood, looking at Karon, "I'll see you later... or something."  
  
Karon shook her head furiously, "Wat? Why! Don't you sex him! Come back hear! I will kill you if you try anything, do you hear me? You will be death!"  
  
Sauron giggled a high-pitched, schoolgirl giggle as he tiptoed lightly out the door, with the Grime Reapear in toe. He walked over to his black horse and mounted it, pulling the Grime Reapear up to sit behind him. Sauron bellowed, "Let's go, Doom-bunny!" And with that, the horse took off, straight towards a rising spike of black onyx in the horizon.  
  
As they neared the tower, the Grime Reapear realized in amazement just how big it was, "Wow!" he exclaimed, "You live here?"  
  
Sauron nodded, happy his home impressed his new prize, "Yes, I do, and I have many servants who can attend to your every need, though I doubt you will need them as long as I'm around," he grinned devilishly and stared into the Grime Reapear's deep, gray eyes, that were reminiscent of bottomless wells the burrowed into the earth without end. Deep, deep wells that went so far into the earth that they came out the other side and still kept going, the Grime Reapear's eyes were that dark and deep.  
  
Soon, the horse was at the gates, which opened silently before them. They rode up to a tall, tall, tall tower of the deepest black-though not as deep as the black of the Grime Reapear's eyes. The tower was very tall, and only Sauron knew that it was in fact 1,861 feet and 4.3 inches tall.   
  
Sauron swung his leg over the horse and dismounted in one smooth, graceful movement, the gray silk of his tunic billowing in the light breeze, giving the appearance of pool of liquid shadow. He turned to look at the Grime Reapear, who was still looking up at the tower in awe, "Mr. Reapear, would you like to see the top?"  
  
The Grime Reapear tore his eyes from the breath taking sight and looked down at Sauron, "Oh yes, please!"  
  
Sauron smiled, "Then let's go."  
  
The Grime Reapear hopped off the horse and followed Sauron who had begun to walk away, into the tower. Together they climbed many flights of stairs, and after the first 1,000 steps, the Grime Reapear began to wonder why Sauron didn't have an elevator installed. No matter, he thought, he was excited enough about seeing the top of the tower that he didn't' care about the hell that his stiletto heels were causing him.  
  
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, they reached the top of the tower. Sauron swung open a large, silver door, that was so tarnished it had turned a murky shade of brown. The Grime Reapear regarded the door and walked into the room before him-Sauron's bedroom.   
  
Sauron laughed, "So, I bet you weren't expecting this," he said as his strong arm slammed the door shut in one swift, fluidic motion.  
  
The Grime Reapear turned on his heels and looked at Sauron and the door wide eyed, unable to speak.  
  
Sauron shook his head, "I'm sorry, I don't want to frighten you or anything," he smiled slightly and walked out onto the balcony, to the left of the door, "Being all alone up in this tower just gets to me sometimes. I don't get out often, you know… It takes a lot of effort to maintain an evil empire and everything."  
  
The Grime Reapear nodded sympathetically and joined Sauron out on the balcony, "I know what you mean, I don't get out much either... I spend the time scouring the countryside for mildew and soap scum."  
  
Sauron nodded, "You must go through Tilex like mad."  
  
The Grime Reapear laughed, "You have no idea," he patted the bottle that was barely protruding from under his robe, "I have to take some with me wherever I go."  
  
Sauron's eyes fell upon the bottle of Tilex the Grime Reapear was patting, he walked over to the Grime Reapear and extended one of his smooth black fingers to touch it, gently tracing the ridge of the bottle's neck, "I like Tilex a lot, you know."  
  
The Grime Reapear looked down at Sauron's hand, then let his gaze slowly follow the lines of his body up to his arm, then his shoulder, his collar bones, his neck, his chin, his lips, his nose, and finally to his eyes. The Grime Reapear gazed into the abyss of Sauron's eyes which was even deeper than the his own deep eyes, as if a hole had been opened in space and Sauron's eyes sucked everything into them. Around this black abyss however, danced a ring of fire that was now growing brighter and brighter so that the light of Sauron's eyes cast a pale red glow onto the soft, pale skin of the Grime Reapear's face.  
  
Sauron's fingers fell around the neck of the bottle and he grasped it in his hand, a warm blue liquid oozed out from the tip onto the Grime Reapear's cloak. The Grime Reapear's mouth fell open and he gasped slightly as the liquid slid slowly down his leg. Sauron stepped closer to the Grime Reapear so that his chest was pressed against his, he looked into the Grime Reapear's eyes.   
  
The Grime Reapear ran his fingers over the smooth countertop and smiled at Sauron, "You use Tilex."  
  
Sauron smiled back, "Always."  
  
_____ 


	2. Second Thoughts, Bleach & Cupcakes

The Grime Reapear rolled out of Sauron's bed with a small wumph. He looked up from the ground at the tall metal spikes protruding from the headboard. The bed was tall. It was so tall that the Grime Repear didn't know if there were enough bottles of Tilex in the world to clean the whole thing to a sparkling shine-this must have been why the metal spikes were rather black. If there were enough Tilex, Sauron would have cleaned them, right?

He stood up and looked down at Sauron who was still sleeping, curled up amid the black satin sheets. The Grime Reapear gave Sauron a push and he came sliding out of bed with ease-these sheets were very slippery.

"LYSOL!" Sauron screamed, looking around with wide eyes.

The Grime Reapear blanched and paused, not knowing what to say, "Lysol?" he asked Sauron, softly.

Sauron blushed, which is to say, the dark skin of his cheekbones turned even darker, almost matching the black-hole quality of his eyes, except without the sucking. "I mean, Tilex, of course… I was just... having a nightmare."

The Grime Reapear shook his head and pointed up on the spikes above the bed, "You washed those with Lysol, didn't you? That's why they're not sparkling!"

Sauron started crying, "Ok! Ok! I did! But it's not my fault! The Witch King of Angmar used all the Tilex on his bath tub!"

The Grime Reapear shook his head, "I'm sorry, but I can't be near someone who uses Lysol. That's disgusting." He grabbed his black cloak and walked out.

*****

The Grime Reapear found himself at home a few hours later, wandering around aimlessly, mumbling "Lysol" under his breath. He held his bottle of Tilex in his hand, and was staring down at it warmly, "Tilex, my old friend, I'm sorry that I have betrayed you." He shook his head and raised his arm, making a fist to shake in Sauron's general direction, but in doing so he sprayed a large shot of Tilex into the air, which landed back down on him. Soon, his black cloak had little white dots on it. "AH! Tilex with bleach! How powerful you are, and yet how dangerous!"

The Grime Reapear rose slowly and changed into his tattered brown cloak. He looked something like a Jawa, and he completed the look by putting on his glowing-orange glasses that had come with the cloak. "What an odd ensemble," The Grime Reapear mused, "And yet somehow, I like it."

He turned to look at himself in the mirror, and he gasped, "By Tilex, I'm sexy!" He did a little prance in a circle and walked into his kitchen as being so sexy was draining, and he felt rather hungry now. He opened his refrigerator and found a platter with a stack of cupcakes on it with a note. The Grime Reapear pulled the platter out of the refrigerator and set it on his glistening white counter. He read the note:

Dear Reapy,

I thought you could use some nice cupcakes. They're almost as sweet as you! Why don't you drop by some time? I'm lonely and there's nothing to do with Galadriel on my back all day.

Hugs, Kisses & Cupcakes,  
Haldir

The Grime Reapear chuckled and began devouring the cupcakes. While doing so, he began to plot his next move. He could go visit Haldir, but he always wore pink, which would obviously clash with his new tattered-brown-and-orange look. No, he couldn't visit Haldir, and he didn't want to go to Mordor where they used Lysol. That left one choice in the Grime Reapear's mind. He would go visit Saruman.


End file.
